(The camera pans over the audience, all very excited because of the new wrestlers and we've spiked the punch bowl with methylated spirits, but if the health guys ask, it was only vodka, okay? Noteable signs are "Dingo Ate my Baby, or was that Springer?", "Alex Wood, 9:21, recommended time too heat up any sort of pizza" and "Don't Read This!" Dammit, is that guy here again, oh, it's the same crowd? Anyway, DJ Seedy and Billy-Bob Johnson are sitting with some Indian guy.)
Hello dere homeys and bruvas, an' welcome ta FCoGW Fridee 5, we got a big un here fo' ya'll tanigh'! So hang on ta yo' hats an' all dat jazz, coz it's da big one babee!
And tonight we're joined by soon to be one of the commentators, I say, one of the commentators of the Doc's wrestling program, Doc's Defiant Degenerates! Sheesh Kebab, welcome Sheesh.
Is indeed nice to be here in America, tank you Doctor Xavier for letting me have job here, instead of Nike� sweat factory, tank you vedy much!
Well, Sheesh, you're here of course because last week, the secretary of the FCoGW had a nervous breakdown, so he is in a, I say, in a institution right now. But Dj Seedy, what have we got on tonight for the fans?
Well Billy-Bob, we got ourselves a debut match, Vlad da Impaler will be takin' da ring against Jean-Pierre. We have a tag match fo' da titles, between da Haughty Troupe and South-Central Sitcom co. Den we have Big Pimp Daddy fo' da firs' time against Robber D. Jobber. Also Hawaiian Harvey takes on President Kowalski befo' da main event, bLaCk KnIgHt defending his title against da number one contender, Slobber D. Jobber.
Sound like a vedy good card tonight, lads, vedy good card indeed!
You hit the right on the head there pardner, DJ, what do you know, I say, do you know about this Vlad character?
Well, I was talkin' to dis bruva back stage an' da boy started goin' real mad on all. I got myself outta dere quicker den a bruva afta drive by! So alls we know is dat dis boy is angrier dan nufin' else, I swear on my mama's life!
Your mama's dead.
She is? Den who's dat bitch dat's been visitin' my children all dese years, I been givin' her some top quality plum puddin' all dese years too!
Who'd a tought! Pensioners ripping off de youngens, my my, what a turn of events!
Anyway, we go down ta Jesse, yo Spring Doggy, is all yours homey!
This is debut match, set for one-fall. Coming in at 216 pounds, from St. Julien, France. Representing the Elite Jobbers, accompanied by Fi-Fi the Poodle, Jean-Pierre Jobb?ur! (The French man walks down the runway with his arrogant poodle. How dare they think they're better than Corgies!)
His first appearance here in the FCoGW, dammit, he's already in the ring, from Bucharest, ya da ya da ya da, Vlad the Impaler! (A big man standing in the ring just pounds Jean-Pierre before the crowd can hear his music.)
DING! DING!
What'd yo' say Sheesh?
No no, dat was not me, it was dee bell!
Sorry bruva, Vlad is on da rampage, choke slam!
By the time that thare crazy Vlad critter's finished with him, I say, with him, he'll be sorrier than a bear that sat on a bur!
Yes, indeed he will sir!
It's all Vlad here homeys, he picks up Jean-Pierre fo' a jack-knife powerbomb, ow!
Boy, that looks like that hurt. Forearm smash from Vlad and down goes Jean-Pierre again.
He picks up dee small French man and trows him in dee turnbuckle.
Vlad drags the carcass inta da middle o' da ring, an' he climbs ta da top o' da turnbuckle, flyin' kneedrop!
Looks like this here match is over, as Vlad sets up for the, I say, for the Spike!
He trows Jean-Pierre into dee air, and spikes it as he nearly hits dee mat.
Boot on da chest fo' da cover, an' dat's it folks!
Here is your winner, Vlad the Impaler! (Crowd boo him because he seems to angry to be friendly.)
Well, dat was vedy interesting lads, I don't fink I ever seen such a vedy bad man in my whole life.
But don't you come from India?
Oh yes, soddy, I forgot lads.
It don't matter as we see da firs' o' two titles on da line tonigh'! FCoGW Tag Conquerors!
This tag match is et for one fall for the FCoGW Tag Conquerors belts. At a combined weight of 626 pounds, Alex Wood and Sitcom Sam, the South-Central Sitcom co.! (Good pop! Again Sam is dressed as Alex and "F@#k the Police" by NWA plays as these two come down to the ring. A lot of people have signs saying "We want t-shirts!". Janitor Joe's with them.)
And their opponents, the rudest men in the buisness, TBK and Munchy Man, the Facical Confederacy of Gimmick Wrestlers Tag Conquerors, the Haughty Troupe! ("Italian Leather Sofa" plays as Munchy Man jumps into the crowd and breaks some pretty boy's nose. The Kid breaks them up. Remember kids, don't be pretty!)
DING! DING!
I'm sorry, did you say something Sheesh?
No dammit, it was dee bell!
Oh, my mistake.
Munchy Man and Alex Wood start dis one off. Day lock up, suplex by Alex Wood. Kneedrop as well!
Munchy Man stands up and delivers a low blow. And Alex Wood is down on dee mat.
Munchy Man goes fo' da Boston Crab but Al' drags his sorry butt over ta da ropes!
Munchy Man with the chops, Wood counters with a kick to the, I say, kick to the guts. And there's tjhe Woodpecker, goes for the pin but Munchy Man kicks out on two!
Nearly over, as Alex steals dee mask of Munchy Man!
He runs outta that thare ring like a yeller bellied sap sucker. He tags the Kid on the way out.
Da Kid whips Al' inta da ropes and hits him wit' a clothesline. Sam joins Al' in da ring and da Kid hits hit wit' a running forearm.
Dee Bullseye Kid stands and hits dee running Alex Wood with a kick to dee sternum.
Wood on da mat gaspin' fo' air as Sam is tagged. Da Kid goes fo' a swing and Sam catches an' flips him.
Sam trying to get TBK to tap out with an armbar submission hold, I say, armbar submission hold that looks deadlier than my mamas banana cream pie!
Yucky, dat's gross!
Dee Kid hooks dee leg on dee ropes, broken free. Jumping elbow thrust from dee Kid and it right to Sitcom Sam's troat.
Sets up fo' da intention, an' dere it is, spinning DDT by TBK. Going for the pin, 1...2...3! Day retain da title!
Wood couldn'a helped out Sam in there because he didn't know, I say, didn't know whether to grab his nuts or gasp for air!
Your winners and still FCoGW Tag Conquerors, the Haughty Troupe!
This young man that thare ring is gonna meet tonight is a good good, I say, good good good good man!
He ain't no good man, da bruva's a pimp!
He's a good man, trust me on this one DJ, I come from Texas!
Oh, vedy good point indeed! But can he wrestle?
He wrestles better than a ho gives he...
Yo yo, dat'll do, dis's a 7:30 time slot! Family show bruva, family show!
He wrestles better than nothing I've ever seen, I say, I've ever seen in this here Confederacy!
This debut match is set for one-fall, representing the Elite Jobbers at a weight of 154 pounds, accompanied by Jobber Wayne, Robber D. Jobber! (good pop, he seems very nervous like just robbed someone, a lady in the crowd screams "That was the man that robbed me!" Two men in black suits escort her out of the arena. "Keep on Searchiong" by the Brady Kids plays.)
And his opponent making his first appearance in the FCoGW. From Las Vegas, Nevada. Weighing 298 pounds, at a height of 6 feet and 10 inches, accompanied by some merchandise, Big Pimp Daddy! (A remix of some slutty disco music is played. Big Pimp Daddy walks out with his hos, one on each arm, one in front, and one behind. A man in orange pants and purple muscle shirt walks out. He's wearing a orange and purple robe and walking with a gold cane. He hops in the ring, helps his girls in and takes the mike.)
Big Pimp Daddy: Now, you sure you want this? There's better solutions.
Robber: Yeah, and um, what are those, you got a proposition?
BPD: Maybe, how about you take one of my hos for the eevening instead of wrestling me? You'll feel a bit sorer in the morning but you'll feel a damn site better!
RDJ: I can't the Doc'll kill me, can Jobber here take one for the evening?
BPD: Hey, Im the best pimp in town, you jobbers earn the most here, he can pay me with a 15% discount!
Jobber Wayne: Uh, thanks Big Pimp Daddy, you don't know what this means to me.
Just shut the hell up boy, Big Pimp Daddy's gettin' down and dirty with the common people!
DING! DING!
They lock up and...
Um, soddy, dat was me lads, soddy! I had the hiccups, they are gone now.
BPD: Oh, who cares!
DING! DING!
Da real bell sounds, an' day lock up. Big Pimp Daddy wit' da powerslam.
Robber on the mat writhing in apin worse than a rattler without it's, I say, without it's rattle!
Oh my, nice colloquialism, vedy nice indeed!
Elbowdrop by Big Pimp Daddy, an' he picks up Robber an' starts wit' da backbreaker. Robber is screamin' out like a who.... I didn't say dat folks, yo' all imagined dat!
Inverted atomic drop by BPD! And that thare boy is aching. But he gets up.
Series o' kicks from Robber to da groin o' da Big Pimp Daddy, an' Robber climbs ta da top turnbuckle. Lookin' for da Burgular, an' dere it is!
Dee springboard moonsault has been caught by Big Pimp Daddy and he executes a perfect powerslam, vedy nice powerslam indeed!
Big Pimp Daddy is fondling his genitals an' da crowd are goin' wild. Now he sends his ho's out inta da audience! Da crowd are lovin' dis debut, an' here's da Pimp Hammerlock drop!
One of you hos come over here! Get your sexy butts into my pants an..... Did I leave the mike on?
Disturbingly? Yes you did sir!
It looks like da Curtain Call by some otha fed's sexual innuendo wrestler, but hang on, he's put it inta a reverse DDT an' Robber D. Jobber is out of dis!
Dere is dee cover, 1...2...3!
Here is your winner, Big Pimp Daddy!
Big Pimp Daddy and his merchandise leave the arena and the medics put Robber on a guerney!
Well, we see the third, I say, the third Elite Jobber on tonight's card. And that's Slobber having a shot at bK's FCoGW Global Champion belt.
Yeah bruva, an' if I don't mind goin' out on a limb, I fink dat bK is gonna win it!
This is set for one bleed, from Miami, Florida, weighing 331 pounds, accompanied by Dr. Zeus Xavier and representing the Elite Jobbers, Slobber D. Jobber! (Good pop. "Raindrops Keep Falling on my Head" by John Farnham plays as Slobber dances down undser a runway wearing a "I got the Woodpecker" t-shirt. The Doc trails shaking hands, all congratulating him for signing Big Pimp Daddy.)
And his opponent, from Memphis, accompanied by Lucy Lawless, the Facical Confederacy of Gimmick Wrestlers Global Champion, bLaCk KnIgHt! ("Black Night" by Purple Haze plays as the pair walk down. Lucy wearing nothing but a g-string and the belt as a bra.)
DING! DING!
Da wrestlers stand lookin' at each otha.
That was dee bell that time!
Day realise an' bK hits Slobber wit' a divin' elbow smash. Down goes Slobber.
There's a hiptoss and "Sexy Thing", I say, and "Sexy Thing" plays. What's going on?
It looks like dee Man is coming for dee belt. He's with Miss D-Vine.
Miss D-Vine an' Lucy confron' each otha, da ref watching the two beauties as da Man enters da ring, an' he nails bK wit' da Finisher! bK's out cold, da Man taps the refs shoulder an' ducks away just in time ta see Slobber cover!
Oh my gosh! 1...2...3! New Global Champion!
Good Lord, he's jobber and he still won dee title!
Here's your winner and new Facical Confederacy of Gimmick Wrestlers Global Champion, Slobber D. Jobber!
Slobber runs up to Lucy and takes the belt. Oh my!
Oh mama, I gotta go, I er, have a meeting with Mrs. Palmer and her five daughters!
My gosh, if dose things are real I'll become a Jew!
Holy mackerel, if day aren't da biggest pair o' wob.... Well folks, dere yo' have dem, it, I mean it, Slobber D. Jobber da newest Global Champion, Billy-Bob Johnson's already left fo' some reason!
A meeting, he had a meeting with some Palmer lady.
Oh, well, I'm bruva Dj Seedy, catch yo' all later.
And I'm Sheesh Kebab and I looking forward to dee Doc's Defiant Degenerates, bye for now!